Baby Hockey Jesus Trade Deadline

Dear Baby Hockey Jesus,
I know I have been a most undeserving fan recently, but man does my team need your help. While I've been away taking care of my life, the Wild have run into some struggles. (Actually, they were struggling before I left, too.) Mostly stemming from the fact that our GM seems to not want the team to win. Ever. Please help us in your infinite wisdom and power. I will sacrifice Joe Mauer to you for a Stanley Cup. Not that he has anything to do with hockey, but everyone seems to love him, so I figured maybe you did too. Hockey isn't a year round sport, and who knows, maybe you enjoying knocking back a cold one at the ballpark with the other Hockey Gods.

As chief liason between you and the Wild fans, I would ask you for these things:
1.) PLEASE PLEASE let Burns stop sucking. He was so awesome, and now, I don't know what it is, but something isn't going well. Maybe he's having some minor elbow relapses too. Either that or he's spending more time taking care of his pets (if you don't like snakes, don't click...) than focusing. Whatever it is, please help him to see the light. Also, please help the coaching staff see the light and NEVER EVER put him on forward ever again.

2.) Smite Gaborik. If you are merciful, you will smite him in one fell swoop so I don't hunt him down and beat him to death slowly with his own stick. Since they usually make a half a dozen sticks at a time, so 5 other people can help me!

3.) Make Mikko the permanent captain. The team seesm to do soooo much better when he is the captain. He is driven and competitive, two qualities I like to see in my captain.

4.) Please let us either make the playoffs and do well, or get some draft picks. I'm sick of this middle of the road holding pattern that MN teams seem to be cursed with. If you think of it, could you extend this to the Twins as well?

5.) Help me clear out my schedule so I can get more than 4 hours of sleep a night and actually have some free time to read something that isn't assigned/sleep/sit around doing nothing/not do homework whatever that means.

6.) Help Wiz to make his way back to the Blackhawks. Bur is probably crying in the corner as we speak, and the Ducks are dumb. They don't deserve entertaining players.

7.) Keep a close eye on Lombardi and help him to realize his speedy potential in Phoenix. At least he's not a Flame anymore.

8.) Let TSN be correct that Jokinen is a locker room killer. I would like nothing more than to see the Flames self destrct and implode. It would kind of make my life.

9.) Let Shanny and Sakic have graceful exits from the hockey world if they have to leave us. Such great players deserve to be remembered well and treated with great respect.

Please Baby Hockey Jesus help my team(s) on to great success because I want to come home to some playoff hockey in Minnesota!